Earlier this year, former ‘Clueless’ star Stacey Dash went on record as making a comparison on good girls, bad girls and rape. The sad and disappointing irony of her comments is that she’s the same woman who has spoken in the past about her experiences regarding sexual and physical abuse. As a survivor of both, I found her comments to be irresponsible and insensitive. Her apology was just as bad, saying that it was a ‘failed attempt at humor about good girls and naughty girls.’ Rape and humor don’t go together. Period. Perhaps she should do a bit more research on the topic. Or, better yet, how about doing some self reflection of her experiences? In doing so, maybe she will become more in tune with addressing the horror of the situation rather than looking for a humorous way to speak on it.
My being raped was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. It happened at a time when I was sober and alert. I was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. It was with someone I trusted. To even mildly suggest that I was a bad girl or a girl who likes to be naughty as a reason to be violated is ignorant and insulting. If one chooses to get drunk and/or walk around naked in public, the punishment by law is being cited for indecent exposure and/or public intoxication. Rape is not another option, and it should never be considered as acceptable and understood consequence based ones appearance, whether or not he/she has been drinking or how much alcohol has been consumed. I do, however, advise that women and men alike should take responsibility in when, where and how much alcohol they consume. In addition to the possibility of being taken advantage of regarding rape, one should consider drunk driving, robbery and health consequences as well. I have gotten drunk before. The hangover I had the following day felt almost unbearable. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t pretty hugging the toilet because I couldn’t stop vomiting.
Anyone who have been raped or worked with anyone who has will tell you that there’s nothing remotely humorous about it. Rape is not about pleasure. It’s about control. It’s about domination. What a person wears or what they’re drinking does not give the person the green light to commit a crime against them. It is an excuse. It is unfortunate the issues and consequences (or lack thereof) have created rules such as the sororities on the campus of UVA having been told to stay away from social engagements where fraternity members may be gathered. The responsibility should not be on the women to stay indoors for the sake of safety. Where is the awareness and consequences for the men? What message does it send to the men? Men walk around shirtless. They wear tight pants. They work out in short shorts and tank tops. They go out to parties and bars and get drunk. It is inconceivable to think that any of those scenarios would be a legitimate excuse if a man is assaulted or raped. Yet, if it’s a woman, every one of those same scenarios will be brought into question as an acceptable form of investigation.
Awareness, accountability, responsibility and safety concerns regarding rape need to be addressed across the board. It’s not to be taken lightly and should never be placed on one specific gender or situation to hold the weight. Rape is not about good and bad. It’s about right and wrong. Anyone who can’t articulate that with sensibility should practice the art of silence.
The 39th Annual NOVA Conference was recently held in Columbus, OH, with Joyce Parkinson, serving as a workshop presenter. Parkinson, who is a survivor of domestic abuse, is the Executive Director of Walking Into A New Life, Inc. She found herself dealing with a number of barriers during her transition which left her feeling helpless and hopeless at times. With the help of friends, a lot of research and perseverance, she created a marketing company, JP Connections and started sharing her story of transition from victim to victorious. With a background in criminal justice, years of experience in social work and her own personal accounts, she has developed a curriculum noteworthy of sharing nationally, and has caught the attention of organizations locally. The official outline/launch is forthcoming.
NOVA (National Organization for Victims Assistance), is the longest national victim assistance organization of its type in the United States, having been founded in 1975. The conference is a four-day event, with hundreds of attendees from across the country who get together for a series of trainings and networking. This year’s conference was entitled “Implementing the Tools of Our Trade to Build a Comforting Justice”.
Parkinson’s workshop, entitled “Education, Microenterprise Development & Domestic Violence”, focused on best practices for educating advocates, businesses and organizations to better understand domestic violence and how to work with victims to become self-sufficient survivors. “It is easy to tell a person to leave. As advocates, we must also advise them on how to do it safely and equip them with some resources to help them with the transition. I want to help as many as possible to avoid many of the barriers that I encountered and walk into their new lives with confidence and hope.”
I was one of two speakers to present at Ashes2Beauty, Inc’s first Day of Pampering Event. Kelley Alsobrook, pictured, is the Founder of Ashes2Beauty, Inc and it was her vision to provide women who’ve suffered abuse in any form to experience a complete day of pampering. This included manicures, hair design, make up artistry, before and after photos, food and fellowship. Megan Mottley, Author of The Glamour Girl Movement, gave a wonderful presentation on embracing your inner and outer beauty. Yolanda Gates (Quiet Storm) delivered a very moving spoken word piece. Kudos to Tiffany Smith-Cook, her glamour team and to every person who volunteered their time and talents.
I shared my insights as a survivor and advocate, offering words of encouragement and support to the attendees. My goal was to share with them that no matter where they may be in their situation (still in it, thinking of leaving or already gone) there’s hope, safety and tangible resources available. The road to transition is not an easy one, but it is attainable. I do not measure my survival success in terms of dollars, but in my determination to take each day as it comes, knowing that every day will not be an easy day, but each day has hope and promise.
What an honor it was to serve as Mistress of Ceremony for A Belle That Cares Outreach’s Teen Dating Violence Prevention Brunch. The event had a two objective, and was held Saturday, February 23, 2013. One, the event was designed to educate young ladies about teen dating violence, what is it, Knowing the signs of abuse and how to protect yourself and others. Two, the event officially launched the outreach program’s extensive list of initiatives and community service opportunities for young ladies. The admission to the event was the donation of a youth or adult formal dress or suit.
Those in attendance had the opportunity to hear from dynamic speakers about domestic violence, inner and outer beauty and, for this event in particular, that there are organizations & programs available to help young ladies to attend special events for a minimal cost. I was able to share my experience of using a consignment boutique to find a dress for a college pageant (for which I won). I was a single mother of three & could not afford a new dress but still wanted to participate in the pageant. Shopping consignment was a great experience for me.
Kudos to Rashida Patterson, Owner of Belle Of The Ball Prom Dress Consignment & Founder of A Belle That Cares Outreach Program for having the vision to combine glamour, education, community involvement and self esteem builders all in one event. It was a lot of fun for everyone.
