So, twice this week, I woke up with great intentions and a detailed plan of what I wanted and needed to do. And, twice this week, everything I set out to do failed miserably. I woke up late both times. I had a migraine one of those days. The events I wanted to attend were cancelled or I just didn’t feel up to going due to the migraine. There was a price increase on something I needed to buy (the sale had ended the day before). I couldn’t find the notes I needed for a meeting to discuss my upcoming plans for a project. I decided to go to one of my favorite places for hot wings. I got sick later! My laptop is slowly crashing and now, it shuts off and restarts. Unfortunately, it shut down at a time that I had not saved everything.
One of the reasons that those who’ve been abused decide to go back to their abusers is that they’ve reached a point of frustration. Nothing seems to be going right. No matter how hard they try or how much effort they put into connecting with the right people, their needs are just not being met. So, how do you encourage someone who’s on the fence about what to do? And, if that someone is you, how do you keep going when giving up seems like a much better option.
While there is no one clear cut, simple answer to this, I’ll give you the one that has made the most sense for me regarding giving up-DON’T! Please stay the course. Something IS working and that something is YOU! We have to remind ourselves and others that it takes a lot of strength and courage to recognize and leave an unhealthy place and head into a path of uncertainty. If we have the strength to leave, then we have the strength to keep going. We may have to do some reassessing of what’s not working. Sometimes, there are situations beyond our control. Other times, we have to be more trusting and transparent with ourselves and others and ask for help or more help if necessary. It’s not about pride. It’s about progress. I will be doing another post specifically on that later. The point is, our lives are a series of peaks and valleys. It is in the valley that we learn our strength. Our legs get stronger. Our minds become more creative. But, that only happens if you fight for it. It takes work. It’s easy to give up, give in or go back. But, you already know what that looks and feels like. So, continue to push forward, ask for help, change your circle of influence and don’t give up. Eventually, you’ll reach your peak. And, when you encounter another series of valley moments, you’ll be able to withstand them because you will have the experience of knowing that you’ve been there before and lived through it.
If you are part of any form of social media, you have undoubtedly seen at least one or two memes of Kermit the Frog quoting something sarcastic, funny or informative…all while sipping his tea. For those of us who grew up watching television in the prime of The Muppet Show, we could have never foreseen our beloved Kermit become a bit of a poster child for social consciousness and etiquette. Yet, here we are. But, the lessons learned about Kermit and his tea are far more telling than those who share the memes may have ever considered.
First of all, I’m a tea drinker (never liked coffee). I’ve tried all different types; from the very expensive to the very frugal. I don’t like them all. When I come across someone looking for a particular taste, I’m able to direct them on what flavors and brands to consider. It is the same for what we do in our personal and professional lives. The truth is, everyone will not like or support what you do. I speak very candidly about domestic violence and sexual assault. That is what speaks to me. That is what I’m passionate about. However, I have friends, family and colleagues that have no interest in what I do and no desire to support it. It’s not that they don’t love or respect me. It’s just not their cause. It doesn’t move them. It’s not their cup of ‘tea’ so to speak. That doesn’t mean that I can’t drink my tea while you drink your coffee and we talk about (and maybe even collaborate) our mutual interests for the greater good of those that need us.
In the case of relationships, romantic or otherwise, I believe the same rules apply. Don’t force yourself to be with anyone that expresses they are not (or no longer) interested in you. It’s not worth the additional rejection. While you may not be that person’s cup of tea, always know that you are SOMEONE’S cup of tea. There is someone who will appreciate what your style and your brand. If we were all supposed to be the same, we would be. Embrace your uniqueness and connect with those who stroll down the same paths and grocery store aisles as you do.
What has kept you from pursuing your new business? What’s keeping you from leaving that unhealthy relationship? Why are you still working for a company that doesn’t appreciate your true worth? Why do you feel obligated to remain friends with someone who doesn’t understand what being a true friend really means? There are so many reasons as to the ‘why’ we do what we do. Most of the time, the why has to do with fear. We fear the unknown. That is a natural human characteristic. However, it is a four letter word that carries a lot of weight, and oftentimes, we just don’t know how to overcome it. And, when we develop a little of courage to do so, we find ourselves becoming afraid of the presumed outcome, so we just dismiss the idea of addressing it altogether.
What you need is a plan of action, and you need to have people in your life that will hold you accountable, support your efforts and provide you with constructive criticism. I would never advise anyone to just leave your relationship or quit your job. What I do encourage is that you do some serious evaluating about those issues and begin to make preparations so that your transition is as safe and stress free as possible. When making those plans, be sure that you’re NOT sharing that information with everyone. Be selective with whom you trust your plans because an abuser’s anger is heightened when he/she knows you’re planning to live him/her. Your plans to resign from a job may cause you to get fired because someone decided to share information that prohibits you from leaving on your own terms.
In the case of friendships and just overall negative people, let them go…NOW. Far too often, we are so concerned about hurting their feelings that we’ve not considered our own. Are those people as concerned about your feelings? As with any situation, do try and make an effort to work things out if that is a possibility. However, don’t lose sleep or your life trying to force something to work that’s rooted in fear.
I’m excited to facilitate this event again this year. Be part of “The Talk” on domestic violence, learn about establishing a healthy relationship with yourself and others, and how to find help for you and those you love. Bring your girlfriends, daughters and sisters! Details are as followed:
Date: October 1, 2015; Time: 5:15pm; Location: Whitehaven Public Library, 4120 Millbranch Rd, Memphis, TN 38116.
A really good friend once told me that I should always have three routes in mind when planning to go anywhere. I always thought that at least two were sufficient. But, after a severe storm, extremely bad accident and two separate unsuccessful routes, I found myself sitting in my car on the side of the road, trying to figure out what to do and where to go next. I turned on my radio to get an update on the weather, and while listening to the reports, the announcer mentioned the extremely bad accident which had me going in circles trying to get to my destination. He mentioned some alternate routes. I looked up and realized that one of routes he mentioned happened to be two blocks from where I’d parked. I started my car, proceeded with caution and made it safely to my destination.
Never allow anyone to tell you or make you feel that there is one specific way to conquer domestic violence. There isn’t. Our experiences, levels of abuse and support system are just a few of the factors one should take into an account when deciding how to proceed with the transition from victim to victorious. One may find that the most common, traditional methods to recovery are not effective. Sometimes, the most successful road is the one less traveled. Choose alternate routes, various methods and combine your plans as necessary. Even an effective plan is subject to glitches and bumps along the way. Consult with trustworthy individuals who can help you create alternate routes and follow them as necessary. But, like GPS, people are not always 100% accurate, and therefore, it is imperative that you also rely on your own instincts and judgments and implement them when appropriate. This allows you to have some input and control of your destination, while realizing that help is appropriate and acceptable to insure that you’re staying on task. There are many effective roads available to reach the ultimate goal of survival, and no one route will ever prove to be the right one for everyone. Find the one(s) that work best for you (or someone you know), proceed with caution and make it to your destination.
